Brain Modes
For the past couple of weeks, something has been brewing, something I am still sort of quiet about. It’s a good thing I may be able to share soon. However, I noticed it drove me away completely from writing. I've experienced this before and it triggered some alarms.
Back in 2008, I received news that the IT support team I was part of was moving to another country and I would be left without a job in a month’s time. I shrugged and while I was worried thinking what I'd do next, some random colleague I had only barely spoke to, asked for my résumé. It turned out people were sending them résumés en-mass to a company across the street. The same day I got a call, and by the end of the business hours I had the first interview. After a successful second interview, I got the job.
A wild couple of weeks followed, which included not only wrapping up things at my job but also finishing up negotiations for a mortgage I applied to the same day I was told my contract won’t be renewed. The new job was a must-keep, I couldn’t fail. Head down, ultra focus, and the target was to get a permanent contract. I worked the hardest I've ever worked at that point in time, showed value and it all worked out. I passed probation, and got a permanent contract in due time.
One day, something felt wrong. I was feeling sad, and didn't know why - later on I realized that was depression and possibly due to working my ass off close to a burn out. I turned into some old notepads and realized I wasn't writing for many months. I had lots of plans for my writing, as it was something I did almost every day. Little baby projects would come to life in my head every day, and I’d nurture them with pen and paper, like the good old days. But at some point that stopped, and I could never tell when it did. I didn't realize it was a needed escape and the focus on the new job put writing in the back seat, tied and gagged. After realizing, I could not figure out a way to make it work, to the point I accepted that both things were not compatible. To comply with the demands of the job meant to stop writing, and that’s how it was. Thought of myself silly for trying to develop such a useless skill. “Writers don’t pay bills, they are broke. Working office hours, that pays the bills”, so dumb and naïve (well, it’s not like it pays the bills now, but you get the point).
A few years had to pass until I understood there are different 'brain modes'. Depending on the task at hand we switch between different ways of thinking, or at least that’s how it feels to me. I wish I've given this more thought for the purpose of this post, so don't quote me on any of this as there's no research here, but I always had difficulties to be creative while being logical. My job required me to be logical, follow the process, while writing required me to be creative, come up with my own new things and make it work from there. These two 'brain modes', I felt, never got along together, and obviously could not coexist. They were like grumpy neighbours living in the same flat, complaining to the local town hall the other is throwing the trash in the wrong bin every time.
These past couple of weeks also felt similar to how I felt back then. The internal struggle continues, with the creative brain screaming its neurons off to be left on the companion sit at least, while the logical brain drives and screams back to the other ‘shut the fuck up’. This is the time to find a way though, a new opportunity to be better, to push through this and figure it out. Find enough space for each brain mode to produce and nurture from each other. The process needs to keep going, and there will always be up and downs we just have to deal with.
If like me, you feel the struggle is too much at times: take a breather. Things will move forward at our own speeds, and it will all be figured out eventually. We do what we have to, and walk through similar experiences on our own, yet still together.